The Truth About Sleep Training (And a Gentler Alternative)

It’s 3am. You’re sitting in the dark, nursing or rocking your baby for what feels like the hundredth time tonight, and you’re wondering if you’ll ever sleep again. Sound familiar?

If you’ve been in this exhausted haze, chances are someone has suggested sleep training to you. Maybe your mother-in-law swears by it. Perhaps your GP mentioned it at your last appointment. Or you’ve seen those Instagram ads promising your baby will sleep through the night in just three days.

But something in your gut doesn’t feel right about leaving your baby to cry. And mama, I want you to know — that instinct is worth listening to.

Let’s have an honest conversation about sleep training, what the research actually says, and some gentler ways to help everyone in your house get more rest.

What Is Sleep Training, Really?

Sleep training is an umbrella term for various methods designed to teach babies to fall asleep independently and sleep for longer stretches. The most well-known methods include:

• Cry It Out (CIO): Leaving baby to cry until they fall asleep without any parental intervention
• Controlled Crying/Ferber Method: Checking on baby at timed intervals but not picking them up
• Camping Out: Gradually moving further away from baby’s cot over several nights

These methods can “work” in the sense that babies often do stop crying and signalling for their parents. But here’s the thing that’s rarely mentioned — we need to ask ourselves why they’ve stopped crying.

What the Research Actually Tells Us

This is where things get a bit murky, and I want to be completely honest with you.

Some studies suggest sleep training doesn’t cause measurable long-term harm to children. However, these studies often have significant limitations — small sample sizes, short follow-up periods, and they typically measure quite narrow outcomes.

What we do know from decades of attachment research is that responsive parenting — meeting your baby’s needs consistently — builds secure attachment. Babies cry to communicate. They’re not manipulating us; their brains literally aren’t developed enough for that. When a baby cries and no one comes, they may eventually stop crying, but their stress hormones (cortisol) can remain elevated.

Dr. Margot Sunderland, author of The Science of Parenting, explains that babies who stop crying after being left alone haven’t necessarily learned to “self-soothe” — they may have simply learned that crying doesn’t bring help.

I’m not sharing this to judge anyone who’s used sleep training. Parenting is hard, sleep deprivation is brutal, and we all do the best we can with the information we have. But I do think mums deserve the full picture.

Why Babies Wake at Night (It’s Actually Normal)

Before we talk about alternatives, let’s normalise something: night waking is biologically normal for babies and even toddlers.

Babies wake frequently because:

• Their sleep cycles are shorter than ours (around 45-50 minutes)
• Night feeding supports healthy growth and milk supply for breastfeeding mums
• Waking is actually protective against SIDS
• They’re processing huge developmental leaps
• They need reassurance that their caregiver is close

Our culture has created unrealistic expectations around infant sleep. In many parts of the world, co-sleeping and frequent night nursing are simply the norm, not a “problem” to be fixed.

A Gentler Alternative: Responsive Settling

So what can you do when you’re genuinely exhausted but cry-it-out doesn’t sit right with you? Here’s what worked for our family and many mums I’ve spoken to:

1. Optimise the sleep environment

Keep the room dark (red night lights are brilliant for this — I’ve linked the one I use below), maintain a comfortable temperature around 18-20°C, and consider white noise to help baby settle between sleep cycles.

2. Follow age-appropriate wake windows

An overtired baby actually has more trouble sleeping. Understanding how long your baby can comfortably stay awake helps prevent that wired, overtired state.

3. Create a consistent, calming bedtime routine

This doesn’t need to be complicated — a bath, massage with a gentle oil (this is the brand I swear by for baby massage), a feed, and a song or story. The predictability helps signal to baby that sleep is coming.

4. Try gradual, responsive settling

Instead of leaving baby to cry alone, stay present. You can gently reduce your assistance over time — maybe patting instead of rocking, then just your voice, then just your presence. This respects your baby’s need for connection while gently encouraging independent sleep skills.

5. Consider safe co-sleeping

For many families, room-sharing or bedsharing (following safe sleep guidelines) means everyone gets more rest. If this interests you, look into the Safe Sleep Seven guidelines from La Leche League.

Permission to Do What Feels Right

Here’s the thing I really want you to hear: you don’t have to sleep train. It’s not a parenting milestone you’re failing if you skip it. Many gentle, attachment-focused families never formally sleep train, and their children learn to sleep just fine — in their own time.

If you’re exhausted, there are other options worth exploring first:

• Ruling out underlying issues (reflux, allergies, tongue ties)
• Getting your iron levels and thyroid checked
• Asking for help during the day so you can rest
• Adjusting your expectations (this season is hard, but it won’t last forever)
• Working with a holistic sleep consultant who won’t push cry-based methods

Your baby won’t be waking every two hours forever. I know it feels that way now, but this phase passes. And you’re doing an incredible job responding to your little one’s needs, even when it’s hard.

You Know Your Baby Best

At the end of the day, you’re the expert on your child. If something doesn’t feel right — whether it’s a sleep training method, advice from a well-meaning relative, or even something you read on the internet (yes, including this post!) — trust your gut.

Parenting is not one-size-fits-all, and neither is sleep. What matters most is that your baby feels loved, safe, and secure. The sleep will come.

I’d love to hear from you — how has your family navigated sleep challenges? Drop a comment below and let’s support each other through these tired but precious years. And if this resonated with you, feel free to share it with another exhausted mama who might need to hear it.

For more support on baby sleep and gentle routines, check out my posts on Creating a Calm Bedtime Routine That Actually Works and Natural Remedies for Unsettled Babies.